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For many, having a sexual relationship seems critical to life satisfaction. From a purely pragmatic viewpoint, sex is critical for life itself.
Over the centuries, people have ended and began relationships for sex, married to have sex, killed over sex and taken remarkable risks where sex is concerned. Sex has long inspired the creation of music and poetry. Even the Bible has the Song of Solomon. We often experience self-loathing, anxiety and depression due to physical and psychological changes. Research points to the complicated variables that exist when it comes to attraction, libido and sexual relationships. We know a complex interplay exists among various biochemical, psychological, relational, religious, familial and cultural components.
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This article by no means will crack the code on such a complex subject, however, the objective is to normalize the complexity of our feelings toward sex, our bodies, and relationships, and offer tangible tips to support our recovery in this area. This article will not address sex from a spiritual stand point as I believe that is better left to clergy.
Please feel free to take what is useful and leave the rest. The type of compassion I am referring to is self-compassion. It is all too easy to feel as though we are alone in our struggles with our body, emotions and relationships.
We are not. As other patients have shared their various challenges, it has become clear that we often suffer from a sense of isolation, self-loathing and frustration. Some have lost relationships due to physical and mental changes.
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Some still want to have sex until they are having it. Some feel too weak or are in too much pain.
Some have libido and can enjoy sex but are not able to orgasm. Others feel too tired to even consider the act. And then there is the chronic pain and t and muscle deterioration. Sex is, after all, a physical act. Can we be patient with ourselves, curious rather than condemning, observing our feelings, thoughts and sensations without judgment — just noticing? From this place, our self-compassion may grow.
Tip 1: Listen to our internal thoughts. Would we talk to a friend as we talk to ourselves about our bodies?
Try to talk more gently to yourself. We are healing, changing, little by little, daily, weekly. We have control over how we talk to ourselves and what we communicate to our bodies at a cellular level. Tip 3: Explore various forms of touch.
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Try regular massage. Most of all, try in little ways to embrace your body, note its resilience and its attempts to balance despite the cortisol levels. Some people report pain or a tickle-ish sensitivity upon touch, sexual or otherwise. Experiment with various forms of touch from firm to light to see if your body has a preference.
Perhaps only a hand massage or foot massage feels good. Consider a pedicure. Visualize the healing taking place at a cellular level. Bathe in epsom salts with a favorite essential oil. Hug a friend. Cuddle a pet. Remember to daily nurture your body in little ways to fight the self-loathing, disgust and physical pain. The goal is to embrace rather than ostracize our bodies while they fight for our wellness with everything they have got. The self-compassion we find will fuel our ability to have conversations on our behalf with partners and the medical community.
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Your cells are always listening to everything you say, even in your head. Speak to them as you would a close friend or family member.
Many of us come from families in which sex was not talked about. Her reply? So I did. Therapists have long urged couples to engage in a more open dialogue regarding sexual needs, preferences and boundaries.
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This is challenging for a of reasons. We may not want to disappoint or offend our partner, may not feel entitled to having our sexual needs met, may not believe pleasure is OK, and frankly may not want to say we have no interest. Once we work on our self-compassion, we will be in a better place to imagine having any conversation with our partner. Much of sexual desire begins in the brain. Did you know that quadriplegics can orgasm? It is the perception of the experience that got them there.
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Both men and women have reported waking up in the middle of an orgasm. Clearly, this is without help from anything but the mind at play, on its own.
The communication happening inside our head can help or harm us. Women are also known for multitasking mentally during sex.
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For instance, many women with no chronic illness report that they struggle to focus only on sex, during sex. Men have their own pressures to perform and the inability to fake an orgasm not that faking orgasm is the goal here. So, once we infuse our self talk with compassion, we can now begin imagining what it is we would like to say to our partner, our doctor, a friend, about our needs or feelings toward sex, our bodies, our losses, our hopes and dreams. Only you can communicate that to another. No one else will have had quite the same symptoms and challenges.
In our breakout session on sex at the Patient Education Day at NIH, I referred to sex as feeling like a fiery torch entering my vagina. Because I was comfortable saying this out loud, I was able to share this with my partner as well as my doctor and dozens of you!
Doing so brought relief and the ability to problem solve this so that I Cushing OK sex dating no longer frustrated and incapacitated in this way.
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I also had to Cushing OK sex dating about the limitations of having two total hip replacements. Unfortunately, my orthopedic Cushing OK sex dating was unable to give me the same flexibility I once had. Now, not everyone is going to be comfortable conveying these things to a partner, yet, the power in doing so is in the potential for the partner to have a better understanding and the opportunity to not take our changes, ambivalence or disinterest in sex personally.
For some, just being able to have sex with the lights off is enough. But to be able to convey that need can be challenging. I encourage you to do so. In addition, it is important to acknowledge that to make ourselves this vulnerable, we must believe we will feel heard and respected, received compassionately.
Sex is at its best when it is light and playful, connecting, not a chore. The oxytocin released from any kind of safe and wanted touch, including sex and orgasm, is bonding. It somehow makes the sky bluer and the grass greener, at least for a day. It can make a couple feel closer immediately.
To partners out there, I invite you to open up a dialogue with your loved one. Be available to hear a sense of hopelessness and grief.