New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Justin is engaged, and we both decided to stop our affair out of guilt. Initially, I was going to break up with the boyfriend, but Justin talked me out of it. I took some time to evaluate my motivations for cheating, and I realized I had some self-esteem issues. Cheating on your boyfriend with his best friend some internet reading, I decided it best to not tell the boyfriend as that would only serve to alleviate my guilt, and Justin seems very much in love and planning a wedding and has avoided placing himself in situations alone with me.
I figure that living with my guilt is my punishment. The boyfriend and I have moved forward in our relationship. I let him know that I had needs that were not being met, and I have made an effort to support him more after listening to some of his concerns. I fell in love with him again, and I see that he is what I want in a partner. And after so many years we are still sickeningly sweet with each other. We have been talking about marriage and I continue to appreciate how well we work together.
He is exciting, passionate, and loyal. His friendship with Justin has been fading for other reasons and I find little opportunities to point out that he does not have to stay in an unfulfilling friendship but I never bring it up on my own! Things are going well, but I am afraid that the cheating incident will come to light one day.
Should I break up with him and hurt him now to save him from hurting later if he finds out what I did? Should I throw away this life we have been working on together? I am trying to deserve him, but maybe this is too far gone to rebuild and I should let him have the opportunity to start over with someone better.
I cheated on my boyfriend with his best friend help?
And how would I break it to him without messing him up? Should tell him the whole story and let him decide? Is that just self-serving?
What is the right thing to do? There are so many red flags in your letter, I hardly know where to start. And then you thought about breaking up with your boyfriend but let Justin, the guy who stood to lose even more than you, talk you out of it.
You may have expressed some of your needs and are making an effort to be more attentive to your boyfriend, but what have you done to work on your self-esteem issues? Honestly, it sounds to me like you could benefit from some time on your own and some time with a therapist. Rather than self-sabotage, I think it would be best to put your relationship on hold and get some counseling before you unravel further.
“i cheated on my boyfriend with his best friend”
It can be enough for him to know that you have doubts about your ability to commit long-term and that you need some time alone and time with a therapist to work through your self-esteem issues before you can be wife material for anyone. Sometimes the work we need to do to be a good partner is work better done outside of a relationship. This seems definitely the case for you.
Fabelle June 11,am. You know? I recommend you let him go.
Everything Wendy said times a trillion and one. Seriously LW. All of it. If you want to alleviate your guilt, talk it out with a therapist. If you see a good one, he or she will do wonders. I promise. Wonder what his needs are?
I cheated on my boyfriend with his best friend
Gonna take a wild guess and say one of them is for you to not have an affair with his best friend. TheTruth June 11,am. I hate when people make excuses for their actions.
Tell him now… in juicy detail, so that he gets pissed off enough to move on easily. June 11,am. Hey now. There are excuses, and there are reasons.
People mess up. And people who cheat I think especially those who are young when they do it can learn and change their ways. GatorGirl June 11,am. Good people can cheat. Yes, I fully believe that. And I do think people can change, when they want to.
NOT when the person they are cheating with talks them into staying with their BF…. No matter what excuse you can come up with, the bottom line is in addition to that excuse, you also messed up big time and likely really hurt someone because of your selfishness. I wish more people would own up to it like you are doing here, rather than blame it on a million things like you played no role in it. Kate B. I agree. So many people blame their cheating on other issues, when the reality is they made a choice.
Whatever issues a person may have, or think they have, there was a moment in time when they had a choice: deal with the issues, walk away, Cheating on your boyfriend with his best friend cheat. Own it, learn from it, move on. I commend TheTruth for being so honest.
The best thing for the LW to do now is what Wendy said: spend some time being single and figuring out why she thought cheating was a viable option, and find other ways to deal with her issues. Doodles June 12,pm. Bcamber, I agree with you. The LW is sorry she did what she did, but to call her namesis uncalled for. Yes she did have an affair, not a one night stand, but she os asking for advice, not to be put down by the people she is turning to.
Look everyone on here myself included has their snarky days, but to outright offend someone for their admitted mistakes is a low blow that was not necessary. Figure out your issues and work on them. You need to be able to love yourself before you can fully love someone else. Cheating happens. Or call them a bad person.
Or tell them they have low moral character. Shit happens. But it does not make you a slut. You had a romantic contract with a partner and you broke it. That makes you a shitty person. Maybe not a shitty person for the rest of your life. If you wanted to break the contract you should have broken up with them first.
We’re here for you.
You might not be a shitty person forever, but in that moment you are most definitely a shitty person. It means you made a really shitty and selfish choice though. Unless you are in an open relationship, there is no good excuse for it. Just leave the person you are with if you want to cheat on them. It happens. I will argue that she is not a shitty person. Or of low moral character.
If I were defined by every messed up decision I made, well then, I would have zero friends. Look, most people do their best to get through completely fucked up lives. So, why do we need to sit on our high horse and call people sluts. Or of low moral character? I just said she made a shitty and selfish choice.
Actually, I think slut shaming someone for cheating is the only appropriate time to slut shame someone. This is not a feminist thing… this is a low moral character thing… and I apply the word to men and women equally. Lindsay June 11,pm. It refers to someone being promiscuous. And it also refers to the person themselves rather than their actions. Cheating is awful, but not everyone who cheats is a terrible person.
And as much as we make fun of the LW for using the low self-esteem thing as a crutch, the phenomenon that Wendy touches on about people who sabotage relationships because of low self-esteem happens. BreezyAM June 14,am. For me, the process of figuring out why I did what I did was tremendously helpful, and made me better at relationships, but also more compassionate towards people that fuck up which it turns out is most people.
Is she a bad person, possibly not, very possibly yes.